Relinquish the Self to Gain the Self
“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” -C.S. Lewis
Everyone is Insatiable
That will get you thinking, right? This quote grips me, because I do notice in my work, my family, my friendships, really all over the place that no one is satisfied. A Brooklyn writer, Freddie DeBoer, expands on this in his article, “You Can’t Fake It,” and asks the question, “Why is everyone such a wreck?” He posits capitalism and social media are largely culpable, but his article concludes with the question: if we could change these systems, would it even matter? Really what he is getting at is this: are we just insatiable mice spinning in a great round until we just stop.
It appears there is a central nature in each of us that is just never satisfied. In the new Netflix documentary by Jonah Hill called “Stutz,” a Manhattan psychologist describes this part of us as “part X,” or the part of a person with an insatiable thirst for justice. This part, inherent in every person, lives off vindication, or getting paid back for wrongs done. And in an imperfect world, the list of wrongs is endless, and part X is always thirsty, never satisfied. If part X is at the wheel, then you likely are a wreck.
Being Permanently Insatiable is Not Hopeless
The question I hope to answer with this blog, or maybe not answer but at least redirect, is if satisfaction for our self (intentionally worded) is what we look for, but we are incapable of satisfaction, where do we go with the self? It’s very Niesztche-esk… but not quite as hopeless, I hope you will find. Spoiler alert implied in the title: relinquish the self. Since it cannot be satisfied, just give it up. Let me explain.
When I see breakthroughs in EMDR sessions, it is almost always characterized by one’s radically shifted viewpoint from how the client sees things to how other people in his/her life sees things. The aha moment is like an unexpected gift that one would have never chosen for themselves, but it is better than anything one would have imagined on his or her own. It’s a chance to see from someone else’s point of view, but not theoretically-experientially, in a very raw, moving, genuine way that feels almost as if the client was that other person, if but for a moment. I tell my clients all the time one of the only ways to describe it, I think, is “trippy.” It is my opinion based on years of observation in my practice that this gift of almost living from another’s point of view offers one a eureka and removes the bondage of a self-centered point of view.
What is “Self-Centered”
When I say self-centered, what I mean is literally centralizing one’s own ego as opposed to the negative connotation that “self-centeredness” can carry in our vernacular. This practice of centering the ego is commonplace in counseling, I think. It seems to me that much of modern-day counseling is very self-focused and that almost seems proper when considering one goes to counseling for one’s own symptoms and seeking one’s own improvement.
But, again, I have to emphasize that what I notice as consistent breakthrough moments that move clients to tears and sometimes even collapse, moments that are characterized by remarkably bold, uninhibited body language and profound insight that almost catches them by surprise, and I see this consistently, is when another point of view from another character in one’s story is more fully seen.
Give Yourself Up For the Season
So, what is the point of harping on this? Well, I’m hoping that by this point you have guessed that I am going to suggest that you give yourself up for the holiday. Consider it an experiment. Give yourself permission to set your symptoms, your goals, your neuroses (which by the way everyone has some sort of neuroses and they are almost always triggered by the holidays-you are not alone in feeling triggered this time of year), your desires, your expectations, your plans-set them all aside. Well, “how,” you ask, to which I respond, “even let that question go.” What I mean is there is no formula. You will not do this perfectly. You will have to do this over and over and over, but try to pick a person or group of people and simply serve them through the holiday. Grant all your energy to whom you choose, and when you drift, smile at yourself, and bring your attention back to that person or group of people. Rather than reflect on yourself, try dereflecting.
Dereflect
I wish I could take credit for that, but the technique of dereflection was coined by Victor Frankl, a neurologist and psychiatrist from Vienna who survived camp Aushvitz during the Holocaust. He developed logotherapy, which essentially addresses human suffering by making meaning out of suffering. His technique of dereflection reminds me much of mindfulness, or the notion that where our attention settles is what is most impactful to our state of mind and overall wellness, and that our attention trends, with practice, can be shifted. I think he would describe the technique as focusing on something other than yourself for the purpose of settling yourself, but it’s not a distraction. Rather, it’s taking the focus away from a hypercritical, “this is what’s wrong with me,” type of thinking and focusing more on someone else’s suffering. By doing this, naturally one’s own strengths embolden and engage to help alleviate the other’s suffering. At this point, there is an unspoken empowerment and settling of the self. So instead of reflecting on yourself, reflect on someone else you care about and respond to what you notice with action. Take your time. Be with the other’s suffering: what does it smell like? What does it taste like? What does it look like? What does it sound like? What does it feel like? Just be there. That’s all. If you are moved to act, act.
Of course, if you go about this for your entire life, you may never find relief from PTSD symptoms, anxiety, depression, etc. What I would suggest is to give this a seasonal try. It’s the perfect time of year to just try, journal about how it goes, and take it or leave it accordingly.
A Dereflective Example
Let me give you an example. Trigger alert if you are having a difficult time being a new parent. I sort of consider myself a new parent, despite having a four-year-old who will turn five in a month. I have been doing this for nearly five years. Whoa. Maybe I am not new anymore, but I sort of feel like I am in this time warp, where I just had a child. To my credit, I did have two more children in that time and have been having kids for five years, nearly six if you count pregnancy. As I have tried to be a “good mom” over the past years, something I have noticed and struggled with the most has been twofold: 1. Repeating patterns of insensitive parenting (like yelling at my kids for just being kids) 2. And despite recognizing this behavior, not being able to change it. In those areas I feel so out of control, and as a therapist I notice them constantly, and that shame cloud is a freaking hurricane.
Recently, I noticed a shift from hurricane to Sunday afternoon shower. My middle child, who is two years old, looked up at me during bedtime and said, “You’re like a different mom.” I asked what he meant, and he repeated himself. I asked if that was good or bad, and he exuberantly responded, “Good!” What has been different lately is that rather than me focusing on my failures and constantly trying to recognize them and do better, I have stopped focusing as much on myself, or dereflecting, and I just focus on my kids. I see their need and meet their need, one by one. I saw them play, and joined in. When I find myself having a moment of, “You f*d up, Hope. Why can’t you just change?” I use that as a cue to just notice what they’re doing and literally play along.
You Are Not Powerful Enough to Change Yourself In a Vacuum
Something has shifted in me, and frankly I cannot give all credit to Frankl. It is my belief that a higher power plays a large role in my attention shift. Something that has shifted in my own spiritual development, lately, is realizing that I am just not that powerful. It’s almost a relief. That said, I would humbly ask you to consider that it is not all up to you to change yourself, and maybe focusing on what someone else needs, even if just for a couple of weeks until Christmas has passed, giving yourself grace when you do not do that perfectly, and instead of thinking about it, just use it as a cue to gently shift your attention back to that person you love and stay there. Then repeat until December 26th. If this seems impossible, seek supernatural strength and endurance in a way that works for you.
We, not Me
In New Zealand, the native people, Maori, greet one another not with a handshake or a hug. They join their foreheads. It is wild, and boundaryless. They push their foreheads against one another’s. What I noticed when I lived there was that while this custom was remarkably awkward, once you just overcome this because your forehead is sweating on someone else’s, it is also just lovely and wonderful. It is like this unspoken connection that conveys, “We,” rather than, “Me.” That is what this blog is all about. If you can just set yourself aside and focus on someone else’s self, I mean really give it your all to work for someone else without getting paid, monetarily or gratitude or whatever, you may find that your self was actually just starving. You may find that the shame or guilt you carry about things you want to change is not changing because you are trying to do it yourself, when connection with others, true connection is what you really need… it may even lead you to wonder about spirituality, because it is that moving. It’s almost like love, when you can really experience another person, and love makes a person feel otherworldly, right? This circles back to where we began.
Dedicated Selflessness Answers the Otherworldly Craving
“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” -C.S. Lewis
The idea Lewis is getting at is that if this world is insatiable, but we have the idea that we can and should be satisfied, then maybe there is something beyond this world that we have a heart impression of for which we are aiming, even if unknowingly. I highlight this, because what I notice when I focus on someone else holistically, I almost have this taste of everlasting meaning and joy. And that taste is not because I like my self. My self does not seem involved in it all. I wonder if that is because the self evolves to something greater.
Selflessness is Not Serving to Make “You” Feel Better, But Letting the “You” Go
The greatest challenge of this experiment is that you cannot be focusing on someone else for the purposes of yourself, or that you can feel better, because the ubiquitous concern is you in that context. You must find a way to just put you out of it. You must act with no hopes of gain. It will not happen right at first, and you will likely have to remind yourself, remind yourself, remind yourself, like watching a leaf float down a river until it is nearly out of view, then look back at where you began and focus on a new leaf, and repeat. Go with it, lose it, begin again. It sounds like a lot of work, but it is much less taxing than trying to satisfy the afore mentioned, “part X,” (highly recommend the doco, by the way) who is always thirsty.
Satisfaction is Not Singular
If you can try this experiment, my hope is that you may become curious about why you, on your own, cannot be satisfied. If you notice a relief, my hope is that you become curious about it. What is it about being devoted to someone else wholly and completely so much so that their point of view takes precedence over your own, that is, finally, satisfying? Is that by design? Could the answer to Freddie deBoer’s question, “Why is everyone such a wreck?” be because everyone is starving and trying to feed themselves with only themselves, so they are ultimately eating away at what they are trying to fill? If so, could this need to humbly relinquish the self be freeing and literally full filling? In fact, to gain the self, do we need to give it up?
Schedule an appointment with therapist and author of this blog, Hope Stanley
Authored by Hope Stanley
